For the best part of two weeks now, I have been incredibly horny. Not a little horny, not a lot horny, incredibly horny. I have had sex dreams most nights for over two weeks, I can’t control myself around my wife, I can’t stop thinking naughty thoughts or plotting naughty scenes for various half-written stories. I want to orgasm, I want to make my wife orgasm, then I want to do it all over again.
Not something I should be complaining about, right? Well try and tell my brain that. I felt a bit (mentally) off most of yesterday and last night ended up close to tears because I felt so damn guilty for being so bloody horny all the time. I preach about women embracing their sexuality, about allowing themselves to be the sexual beings they want to be, I complain about the double standards when it comes to men and women and sex; yet there I was last night, apologising to my wife for being ‘too horny‘.
I cannot explain why I feel so guilty about what is a natural impulse I have absolutely no control over. The rational part of my brain knows it’s stupid to feel guilty about such a thing and that in reality, I am lucky that I can feel so horny. I know it’s a great thing that even after three years my wife turns me on so much and that I would spend all day having sex with her if I could… I know it says a lot about our relationship and our connection.
But still guilt bubbles up from somewhere.
I have to wonder if it is ingrained? That perhaps over time the sexual double standards and inequality between men and women has caused this guilt to become a natural part of our psyche. Women aren’t meant to like sex. Sex isn’t about pleasure, it’s about procreation. A woman who likes sex is a slut. A woman who likes sex deserves to be shunned. A woman shouldn’t have control over her own sexuality. A woman needs to fit into certain categories to be considered attractive. Respectable women don’t have sexual fantasies or desires. Women can’t be happy with the way they look. Women need to strive to have bigger _____, smaller _____, smoother _____, longer _____, shorter _______, wider ______, narrower ______.
OBVIOUSLY there is something wrong about a woman who enjoys sex and has thoughts of a sexual nature!
I hate that I feel guilty for being horny. For wanting sex. For fantasising. For imagining.
I hate that I feel as if my being horny is in some way an annoyance for my wife (even though I know that isn’t the case).
I hate that I am viewing who I currently am as sexual-being, in a negative way.
To a certain extent I feel like a bit of a fraud. I like to think I am sex-positive and do my bit to help encourage women to allow themselves to embrace sex and sexuality – but here I am – feeling sex-negative, trying to find a way to stop myself feeling horny, wishing that I didn’t enjoy sex quite as much as I do.
When I speak to my wife about it, every conversation includes me saying the five words ‘I feel like a man‘, and I think that sums this whole situation up. It is okay for men to be horny 24/7 (like I am currently), to want, need, demand sex, but not for a woman.
I guess most of all I am angry at whoever it was all those years ago that said ‘hey, dude – I don’t think women should be allowed to be treated as equals – especially not when it comes to having and enjoying sex!’
If I could go back in time and hammer-punch that douchebag in the mangina, I would do it.
* it probably doesn’t help that my wife and I have been having a ‘Channing week’ and have been watching this particular dance scene from Magic Mike far too often (okay, maybe not enough…)