{blog post} One simple scent…

Jean Paul Gaultier ‘Le Male’;  I hate you.  Simply knowing you existence makes me want to vomit, but actually smelling you, having your scent waft past me, in the most innocent of locations, in an entirely different place, time, and context… makes me want to perform a lobotomy on myself.

It makes me want to choke, to scream, to cry, to crumple.

When I was in a relationship with my abuser, the scent of Le Male was intoxicating.  It made me want to swoon, and do all the good things described in romance novels.  The scent was him, the scent was our relationship, the scent was that time in my life – a time I thought was so exciting – a time where I felt sexy, and wanted, needed.

Now that scent is symbolic of my naivety, of a time in my life I would much rather forget.

Continue reading

Once again, life has taken over

Hi everybody

Just a quick post to let you all know I’m still around, but life has been crazy busy lately.  I’m in my final semester of university and have assignments due on a weekly(ish) basis, which hasn’t left a lot of time for writing!  On top of that we’ve been busy with visitors, as well as the usual adulting/parenting duties.

Hopefully I’ll be back properly soon, until then though, thanks for taking the time to visit my blog!

Sisterhood blog hop

I was tagged for this Sisterhood blog hop by none other than my gorgeous wifey Dragonflylady77.  Surely I don’t need to introduce her?  I post about her enough on my blog!  In any case, she is the woman who was crazy enough to decide on a forever with me.  She is my rock and the one who keeps me sane (no easy feat), I have never met a more caring, understanding, funny, wonderful person in my life.

But how about we get on with the show?

The rules for this blog hop are simple:

  • Post the Sisterhood logo in your blog post
  • Answer the 10 questions you were asked
  • Link your blog back to the blogger who tagged you
  • Nominate up to 10 bloggers to answer 10 questions of your choosing

Here are my answers to the questions Dragonflylady77 asked…

 

1. What’s your least favourite book?

It would quite simply have to be Jamaica Inn by Daphne Du Maurier.  It was one of the books we were forced to read in Year 12 English at high school and I could not get into it.

Then of course there is the lovely ‘Questions Kids Ask About Sex’ book that I posted about on my blog over the weekend… it might have taken over the number 1 spot I think.  If you didn’t read my blog post about why we are going to burn it, you can read it here.  Yeap, nothing like a little self-promotion!

 

2. What’s your favourite book from childhood?4c599f3dec9bbde5d8c9eb308a7587c6

A favourite book?  Too hard to say, but I absolutely LOVED the Babysitters Club series, by Ann M. Martin.  I read Claudia’s Bad Break a lot, so perhaps that is my favourite childhood book?  I also read Tessa Duder’s Alex quartet on such a regular basis my parents ended up buying me the series so I could stop getting it out of the library.  I cannot tell you how excited I was when the first book was made into a movie!

 

3. What author(s) inspired you to become a writer?

When I was 10 or 11 a girl in my class won a writing competition and as part of her prize an author – Diana Noonan – came to our class and worked with a select bunch of us.  I guess you could say she had some impact?  Tessa Duder (mentioned above) is also another of my inspirations.

 

4. How do you feel about eBooks?

I don’t mind them, I think they have their place… but there is nothing quite like holding a book in your hand and smelling the pages!

 

5. Are you a compulsive reader or do you take your time getting through the story?

I used to be a very compulsive reader… then I had kids and learnt what being tired was all about; it now takes me days, sometimes weeks to get through a book.  I seem to go through phases at the moment, I will read every night for two weeks, then I won’t touch a book for a month.  I guess this is partly related to the fact I have to do so much reading for my university classes?

 

6. Which book(s) have you reread the most?

white_oleander

White Oleander – Janet Fitch
Alex (quartet) – Tessa Duder
Accident – Danielle Steel
Once Were Warriors – Alan Duff

 

7. If you could live in any world depicted in a book, what would it be?

I don’t know that I want to live in any world depicted in a book I’ve read, but when I was younger I wanted to be Alex Archer, so I guess you could say I wanted to live in her world.

 

8. If you could kiss any book character, who would it be?the-mane-event-1

I’m copying my wife here, but I would love to kiss (and do so much more with) Mase from The Mane Event (Shelly Laurenston)

 

9. Do you communicate with your favourite authors on Twitter?I

Some of them!

 

10. If you could have dinner with four literary characters, who would you choose?

Ugh, I hate questions like this…  Definitely Alex Archer (from the Alex series).  Who else? Um, Mase (from The Mane Event (and he can stay for dessert too…)).  Beth Heke (from Once Were Warriors).  And in a throwback to my youth, Claudia Kishi (from the Babysitters Club).

 

These are my questions:

How long have you been blogging?
If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?
Who is the most inspirational woman in your life?
If you could invite three of your fellow bloggers to dinner, who would they be?
In a perfect world, what job would you have?
Did you have a list of baby names when you were younger (like in school), if so, what are some names that were on the list?
You can pick any character from a movie to be your husband or wife, who is he/she?
What is one thing you’d do if the thought of it didn’t terrify you?
Are you crafty?  If so, what crafts do you enjoy?
Best vacation you’ve ever been on?

And the lovely ladies I invite to answer them are:

Megan from My Little Corner of the World
Tiffany from The Crunchy Mom Next Door
Lace Winter Lace Winter

I would invite more but it seems my wife invited the ladies I would have invited 😉

 

My wife is a mind reader – I think it’s a sign

it's the truth!

it’s the truth!

In (gosh, now I need to think) early January 2006, I got my 4th tattoo.  It was on my right ankle, while on holiday in Australia.  I got a silver fern – New Zealand’s national emblem – ironic really, considering I got it in Australia.

Anyway, at the time I remember thinking that the tattooist was hot and soon after acknowledging that, I began having very inappropriate thoughts.  I imagined there was no one else in the tattoo stuido and we ended up having sex – lots of it – all over the studio.  On the chair, on the benches, on a couch in the waiting area, against the wall, on the floor.  You get the gist, if there was a surface that was stable enough to hold the body weight of two people, sex would be had on/against/in/under it.

photo credit: Getty Images

photo credit: Getty Images

I got a tattoo in April 2007, again, I was lucky enough to come across a hot tattooist (maybe it’s to do with the fact I think tattoos are damn sexy?) and again, during all the ‘bzzzzzzzz’ing’ and the pain-that-isn’t-really-pain, my brain wandered and I made up a naughty little tattooist and tattoo-ee scenario.  From memory that one involved him taking me from behind, up against the bench in front of a mirror that was the width of the wall.

Not long after my wife and I got married (legally it was a ‘civil union’, but fuck that, to us it was our wedding and our upgrade from civil union to marriage five months later was more of a technicality than celebration) we got matching tattoos.  Now, that time the tattooist didn’t really do anything for me (though I did like dem tats!), but by that point I was writing erotica on a regular basis and rather than imagining I was having sex, I wrote a story in my head.

I never got around to writing that story, but ever since it has been lingering in the very back of my mind.  Every now and then, usually upon seeing photos of deliciously tattooed men, I go back into that little trance and the story plays out in my mind.  It’s been close to two years since that last tattoo and I have never mentioned a word of it to my wife.  She had no idea about my little fucking-the-tattooist fantasy.

Until tonight.  The bitch (and I say that in the most loving, adoring way) read my mind.

We were watching the NRL 9’s (a rugby league tournament that I’m sure 99.9% of you won’t have heard of, and will be thinking ‘wtf?’) and I reacted rather strongly to a particular player who, as you might guess, had tattoos.  He was very easy on the eye with many visible tattoos (and upon researching, many that are hidden beneath his footy jumper), what else was I going to do?  Yawn?

My wife, in all her wisdom pipes up with:

YOU SHOULD WRITE A STORY ABOUT A WOMAN GETTING A TATTOO WHO HAS SEX WITH THE TATTOOIST

I shook my head and asked her if she was a mind reader, then went on to explain the ongoing tattooist/tattoo-ee fantasy that has been living in the back of my mind.

Being one that believes in signs, I now have a strong feeling that the time has arrived to bring that fantasy to life, in the written form anyway.

Unless my wife becomes a tattooist.  I’d totally tap that!

260670158130c9f79ea225011babbfbf

Rock and a hard place: The problem with adding to our family

About three times a year I get myself into a right state over one particular thing.  Sometimes there is a trigger, sometimes there isn’t; this time there was.

My wife and I started dating when my youngest was around 18 months old, meaning my eldest had just turned five, her kiddos were four and eight.  From the moment I met her I knew we were soulmates, that she would be my forever and we would grow old and senile together.  I believe it more than ever and there is nothing I would change about our life together.

Well.  Maybe one thing.

A baby of our own.  I would give anything to have that little dream come true, but it isn’t going to happen, for various reasons.

And it is so damn hard sometimes.  I feel as if I missed out on experiencing something amazing with her, because we met when we were both done having babies.  For us it isn’t as simple as forgoing contraception and having sex at the right time of the months – we have no sperm – and that is quite the issue when it comes to the conception of a baby!

We aren’t rich – we make ends meet – but we are by no means well-off, which means opting for a sperm donation and IVF are out of the picture.  Private sperm donation would realistically be our only option, but for us it isn’t an option.  Well, not for me.

I have an anxiety disorder.  My wifey being pregnant would cause me enormous amounts of anxiety; everyday I would be waiting for something to go wrong, for a miscarriage, for a stillbirth, for my wife to die for some pregnancy related reason.  Yup, being pregnant was fun for me!  Having gone through the anxiety mentioned above for two of my own pregnancies, I vowed to myself I would never go through that again, hence why I had my tubes tied when I gave birth to my youngest.  It would be bad enough to go through it myself (and the miscarriage part I did, twice), but I don’t think I could handle that happening to my wife, to our family.

Pregnancy isn’t even the worst part for me – the first 12 months are a special type of hell.  You see, my nephew died of SIDS when he was four months old… every single morning of those first 12 months I would race to my children in the morning, to make sure they were still alive.  I had an Angelcare sound and movement monitor and while this provided me a lot of reassurance, it didn’t stop the anxiety.

Going back to why private sperm donation wouldn’t be an option for me. Because I have had my tubes tied and IVF isn’t a possibility, that would mean my wife would be the one getting pregnant.  I would love to see her pregnant – I love the photos I have seen of her pregnant with her kids – she looked damn sexy in fact… but to me, her being pregnant would mean she was pregnant with her baby.  Not ours.

I know it’s a selfish way of thinking, but it’s what my slightly messed-up brain does.  I know technically it would be our baby, because we would be raising it together, we would be the parents…. but when it came down to it, I wouldn’t be able to ignore that the child wasn’t genetically mine.

Damn genetics.

If there was a way for us to have a baby that was genetically mine and hers, I would be more than happy to jump on board.  Actually, if that was a possibility, we would probably have a baby already and maybe have another on the way.

I don’t know if I will ever be able to completely move on from this.  Maybe 99%, but never completely.  It’s so damn tough.  I always wanted to get married and have kids with the love of my life, instead I had children with two men that weren’t it for me, effectively ending that dream of mine.

There is absolutely no way I regret that though.  I cannot (and will not) imagine my life without my precious kiddos, they are the little loves of my life and I know it sound cliché, but along with my wife, they make life worth living.  Besdies, if I didn’t have my babies, I wouldn’t have met my wife, it’s as simple as that.

Sometimes being an adult is so bloody hard, especially when there is no easy answer to a problem!

I feel guilty for even viewing this as a problem – that I would love a baby to grow our family, to add to our four kids we have between us – when a lot of our friends are having trouble conceiving their first.  I feel as if I have no right to complain, no right to feel sad that we won’t have a fifth child, that we won’t be a ‘yours, mine & ours’ type of household.  We are so blessed to have four wonderful, healthy children, that we are both called mum hundreds of times a day.

I’m going to try and find a way to move on from this, to actually appreciate just how lucky we are.  I know it’ll be hard, it will mean rewiring my brain to a certain extant… but I have to get there one day, right?

(and this, dear chums, is why so many of my stories feature pregnant women; I can’t experience it myself so I live vicariously through my characters)

 

Is the guilt ingrained?

Hello-I-m-Horny-T-Shirts

For the best part of two weeks now, I have been incredibly horny.  Not a little horny, not a lot horny, incredibly horny.  I have had sex dreams most nights for over two weeks, I can’t control myself around my wife,  I can’t stop thinking naughty thoughts or plotting naughty scenes for various half-written stories.  I want to orgasm, I want to make my wife orgasm, then I want to do it all over again.

Not something I should be complaining about, right?  Well try and tell my brain that.  I felt a bit (mentally) off most of yesterday and last night ended up close to tears because I felt so damn guilty for being so bloody horny all the time.  I preach about women embracing their sexuality, about allowing themselves to be the sexual beings they want to be, I complain about the double standards when it comes to men and women and sex; yet there I was last night, apologising to my wife for being ‘too horny‘.

I cannot explain why I feel so guilty about what is a natural impulse I have absolutely no control over.  The rational part of my brain knows it’s stupid to feel guilty about such a thing and that in reality, I am lucky that I can feel so horny.  I know it’s a great thing that even after three years my wife turns me on so much and that I would spend all day having sex with her if I could… I know it says a lot about our relationship and our connection.

But still guilt bubbles up from somewhere.

I have to wonder if it is ingrained?  That perhaps over time the sexual double standards and inequality between men and women has i-try-to-keep-calm-but-im-always-horny-1caused this guilt to become a natural part of our psyche.  Women aren’t meant to like sex.  Sex isn’t about pleasure, it’s about procreation.  A woman who likes sex is a slut.  A woman who likes sex deserves to be shunned.  A woman shouldn’t have control over her own sexuality.  A woman needs to fit into certain categories to be considered attractive.  Respectable women don’t have sexual fantasies or desires.  Women can’t be happy with the way they look.  Women need to strive to have bigger _____, smaller _____, smoother _____, longer _____,  shorter _______, wider ______, narrower ______.

OBVIOUSLY there is something wrong about a woman who enjoys sex and has thoughts of a sexual nature!

I hate that I feel guilty for being horny.  For wanting sex.  For fantasising.  For imagining.
I hate that I feel as if my being horny is in some way an annoyance for my wife (even though I know that isn’t the case).
I hate that I am viewing who I currently am as sexual-being, in a negative way.

To a certain extent I feel like a bit of a fraud.  I like to think I am sex-positive and do my bit to help encourage women to allow themselves to embrace sex and sexuality – but here I am – feeling sex-negative, trying to find a way to stop myself feeling horny, wishing that I didn’t enjoy sex quite as much as I do.

When I speak to my wife about it, every conversation includes me saying the five words ‘I feel like a man‘, and I think that sums this whole situation up.  It is okay for men to be horny 24/7 (like I am currently), to want, need, demand sex, but not for a woman.

I guess most of all I am angry at whoever it was all those years ago that said ‘hey, dude – I don’t think women should be allowed to be treated as equals – especially not when it comes to having and enjoying sex!’

If I could go back in time and hammer-punch that douchebag in the mangina, I would do it.

 

* it probably doesn’t help that my wife and I have been having a ‘Channing week’ and have been watching this particular dance scene from Magic Mike far too often (okay, maybe not enough…)

Now for a shameless request…

keep-calm-and-follow-me-846

I hate being all ‘like me, like me, PLEEEEEASE LIKE ME!’, but I am in search of some new Facebook likers, so here I am.

If you like my writing, if you like my sex blogger posts, even if you feel sorry for me for having a pitifully low number of Facebook likes I would forever be in your debt if you could click on the ol’ FB ‘like’ button on my author page!  If by chance you are lovely enough to spare a like for me and would like more likers on your own FB page let me know and give me a link so I can like you back… I am more than happy to pimp you out 🙂

While we are at it, I am also on Twitter & Instagram and am more than happy to do the same follow-for-follow on those social media channels as well!

Click on the following linky-loos to throw some love my way!
Facebook
Twitter
Instagram