Rape fantasy: yes, I have one

I have been wanting to do a post about rape fantasy for a long time now, but whenever I start the post I find myself staring back at a blank screen, unable to find the words to convey what I want to say… and perhaps subconsciously, a little embarrassed.  A year or two ago I read Garden of Desires, written by Emily Dubberley (highly recommend it!) and finally realised that I am not the only woman in the world who finds herself fantasising about rape.

HavingSexual-fantasy been in a sexually abusive relationship in the past – which included rape – the whole idea of a rape fantasy is extremely confusing to me.  To begin with I was highly ashamed about my fantasy, why the hell would I want to relive that feeling of having no control and of being taken against my will?  More to the point, why would my brain drift to that little place when I was having sex or masturbating, and why did it arouse me so much?

After a lot of research and admittedly a lot of soul searching I came to the realisation that for me (and it seems for most women) rape fantasy isn’t so much about the desire to be raped (I do NOT want to be raped, I want to make that clear!) but more about having control over the situation.  I know, the idea of rape = control for the victim sounds crazy, but it makes sense when you think about it.  The rape fantasy is happening in your head – ultimately it is you in control of the situation – unlike a real rape when the victim is most certainly not in control.

When my brain does ‘go there’ it is never a prolonged fantasy taking up hours of my time, in fact, it probably only lasts for a minute or so.  My fantasy-attacker isn’t always the same person either, but it is always a man who is well known and is in the public eye, never a stranger.  I think my brain goes to the people it does because I know they are widely respected and admired and a lot of them speak out against domestic violence and the like.  Essentially the men who rape me in my fantasies are men who are the complete opposite to the man who did rape me.

Rape fantasy, as I experience it, is purely a mental thing which stays in my head.  I can’t say what triggers it, but suddenly I am in the situation where I am being forced against my will to have sex with < insert man’s name here >.  He is being rough, the sex is hard and fast and hurts – but in that hurts-s0-good type of way – not in the type of way I physically experienced in my ‘real life’ rapes.  Sometimes he’s calling me a slut, sometimes he is telling me I deserve it, or that he knows I want it.  Sometimes he tells me I’m stupid or worthless, but in those instances that is how I’m feeling about myself in general, and I know it is really *me* subconsciously telling myself that I am those things.  The fantasy always stops just before I orgasm, then I am back in reality and 100% alert and aware that it is my wife causing the myriad of pleasurable feelings inside me; it is always her that takes me over the edge, never the fantasy.  It is my loving, safe, secure reality that I eventually enter back into when the post-orgasmic fog has cleared and my brain begins working again.

It is hard to explain, and I don’t know that I’m really portraying what I feel accurately enough!

I have no desire to act out the fantasy in role play, but in saying that I have nothing against those who do!!!  Rape fantasy – when role played – is ALL about consent, and it really pisses me off when people are judgemental bastards about those who partake in rape fantasy role play!  Equally, I understand that not everyone is going to understand where rape fantasy (as a whole) comes from… it’s like any sexual turn on or fantasy, different strokes for different folks, etc, etc, etc.

THIS is part of why I think #AdultSexEdMonth is so important.  It is all about educating people about all aspects of sex.  More than that, it is about opening up dialogue about aspects of sex that are treated as taboo or that simply aren’t acknowledged as being worthy of open, honest, frank discussion.  It’s about normalising and embracing sex and sexuality, it’s about acknowledging sex is a broad topic that should be seen as something that (so long as consent is involved) is natural, normal, healthy and, well… awesome.

from brotherdash.com 'most prominent words or phrases women used to describe their sexual fantasies'

from brotherdash.com
‘most prominent words or phrases women used to describe their sexual fantasies’

Sam meets his fantasy woman. Again.

inspire

I often feel like a failure because I seem unable to concentrate on one story at a time.  I will write like a mad woman and then get inspired and just have to quickly write down the opening scenes of a new story.  Old story gets put on back burner, new story becomes main focus.  Then rinse and repeat.  Over.  And over.

One such story is the story of Nadia and Sam.  Nadia and Sam meet one night at a pub and end up having one exceptionally passion fuelled night.  Fast forward to Monday at work.  Nadia enters the office of the HR manager to give him some contracts, only to be introduced to the new intern.  Of course it is Sam.  Neither can stop thinking about the other, but for various reasons (namely their 10 year age gap) believe anything more is out of the question.

Of course there is more in store for them and yes, you would be correct in presuming there is a happy ever after for them.

I just need to actually get around to writing it.  Check back in a few years?

Until then, I give you a little excerpt… this is from Sam’s perspective just moments after he has been introduced to Nadia ‘for the first time’ at work.

 

*

You can head off if you want, Sam,” Colin offered, shaking him from his thoughts. “I know the first day can leave you with a lot to take in,” he added.

As long as you are sure? I don’t mind staying on longer,” Sam replied, knowing very well Colin wouldn’t make him stay. Thank god.

No, I will be going soon, get home and put your feet up,” Colin said and Sam nodded.

Okay then, I will see you in the morning,” Sam told his new boss.

Good to have you on the team,” Colin replied and stood up to shake his hand.

It’s good to be here,” Sam responded, and it was true, he had really enjoyed his first day

Even without the revelation that the woman he couldn’t get his mind off also worked there.

Sam collected his keys, phone and wallet from the office he was sharing with one of the HR administrators and walked down to the elevator and waited for it to arrive. When the doors finally opened he stepped in and rolled his eyes when the elevator started going up instead of down. The doors opened and suddenly it felt as if all the oxygen had been sucked out of the building; he was unexpectedly face-to-face with Nadia, for the second time that day.

The elevator was full meaning talking to her wasn’t an option, but she did give him a knowing smile then proceeded to stand right in front of him. She smelt incredible, the perfume she was wearing had a floral scent – jasmine to be precise – a scent he had always loved.

The doors began closing and just in time an arm shot through, causing the sensors to open the doors again. A man entered and everyone shuffled back a couple of steps – except Nadia, who moved back even further until she was pressing lightly against him. Sam moved his hand and very gently brushed his fingers against her hip, smirking to himself as Nadia’s butt immediately pressed harder against him. The smirk didn’t last long and was instead replaced by a frown as he tried to mentally stop his cock responding to the feeling of Nadia’s body against his.

The elevator arrived on the ground floor just in time, a second longer and he would have gone from being semi-hard to having a full blown erection. Not ideal in public and especially not at work. Everyone disembarked and Sam made a point of trailing behind, he was not prepared to talk to Nadia and was terrified that if she spoke to him he would make a complete fool of himself. He had been nervous enough talking to her on Saturday night but upon finding out she was one of the heads of department at Forsyth & Whittaker, she had instantly become ten times hotter. And more intimidating.

When she had entered Colin’s office that afternoon Sam had almost fainted as a result of the blood in his body being diverted straight to his cock. She was his longest serving fantasy come to life. Since his very first wet dream at the age of twelve he had been very turned on by the idea of the naughty business woman and the young employee.

Her job – high up the corporate ladder – would earn her automatic respect and make people a little afraid of her. She would appear very proper and serious in her expensive outfits, her hair would always look as if she had stepped out of the salon, her make up would be flawless. To everyone else she would be professionalism personified, but that young employee would see a side to her no one else would.

Only he would know what she was like outside of work hours – a sex-fiend that wasn’t satisfied until she was fucked into a coma-like state. Only he would know that her favourite place to have sex was in public where there was a real risk of being caught. Only he would know that she loved role-play and that she particularly enjoyed being the naughty university librarian who had sex with students who stayed late at night to study. Only he would know that she had an extensive collection of sex toys and loved being tied up and teased with said sex toys. Only he would know that beneath her expensive business suits she wore some of the sluttiest lingerie on the market. Only he would know how much she loved being fucked on her desk when they worked late into the night. Only he would know how much she craved his cock, how much she craved him.

The sway of her hips as Nadia walked toward the exit of the building had a hypnotic effect on him. The black skirt she was wearing showed off her hips and ass in a very enticing manner, while the white shirt she was wearing emphasised her waist and framed her boobs in a teasing-yet-appropriate-for-work type of way. There was also the not-so-small matter of her shoes. One look at the black slingbacks and all he wanted to do was tear her clothes off and take her against the wall right there in the foyer of the office building. He wanted to feel the stiletto heels digging into his skin, he wanted to go down on her and feel the heels scraping up his back as she moaned and writhed around in pleasure.

Sam didn’t know what it was about high heels that did it for him. There was something almost authoritarian about them and he presumed it was related to his business-woman fantasy. In his fantasy the woman was always wearing heels. It had been Nadia’s shoes which caught his eye first on Saturday night, red, shiny, high, sexy, but classy. He still regretted not asking if she could leave them on while they had sex but wondered if perhaps he would get another chance to live out that particular fantasy with her.

By the time he got back to the hotel he took a cold shower. Nadia had been on his mind throughout the journey home and he was stuck in a semi-hard state. A semi-hard state which turned into a rock hard state the moment he made it inside his hotel room. It was his hope that the cold shower would help tame his cock – but it didn’t – so he gave up and made the shower hot, then took matters into his own hands.

As he pumped his hand up and down his shaft, his mind was flooded with the memories of what he and Nadia had done on Saturday night. The frantic pace of their first time, the way it had felt when she had been on top, the slow sex on Sunday morning, how tightly she had wrapped her legs around his waist when he had fucked her in that very shower. It was the shower sex that he remembered in the most graphic detail and as he jerked off he imagined it was Nadia’s pussy gripping his cock, rather than his own hand. He grunted loudly as he came and enjoyed the sensation of relaxation that washed over him.

Sam had no idea how he was going to survive working day in, day out with Nadia. It wasn’t like they worked in the same department and he doubted they would have cause to see each other very often, but knowing she was in the building would be enough.

He was screwed.