{Alessandra & Xavier} Stolen moments in the dark

Now that I’m back to being Bree, I decided it was only right to share some of what I’ve been writing recently.  As is so often the case with me, this story involves pregnancy… of the very unexpected type.

Times three.

I will share more of the background of the actual story in another post, but for now, I officially introduce you to Alessandra and Xavier.

Enjoy!

——-

Holding her breath, Alessandra lay perfectly still. It was 3.23am and she’d awoken but the lack of cries coming through the baby monitor suggested she’d woken of her own accord. Another minute passed without the slightest sound from Sloane’s room and Alessandra deemed it safe to try and get back to sleep.

She rolled in toward Xavier and rested her hand on his belly, giggling quietly to herself when he let out a mumbled sigh of pleasure. Absentmindedly she began stroking her fingers back and forth along the trail of hair beneath his belly button, and found that rather than become sleepy, she only seemed to wake more.

No thought went into it as she moved her hand lower, another unconscious sigh of pleasure escaping from Xavier as her fingertips brushed against the base of his penis.

Continue reading

Sunrise Surprise

34f1fb68f8db11dbb9ea934803b910cb

Have I mentioned I’m a fan of alliteration?

I’m also a big fan of Hannah and Josh, [temporarily] reunited after a horrible year apart.  They say distance either pushes you apart or makes your bond even stronger; in the case of Hannah and Josh the latter is true.

I would do more of a blurby thing but I’m hungry so shall just leave you with this little piece of the Hannah and Josh story…

Enjoy!

—————————————————–

When Hannah awoke again she didn’t have to look at the clock to know it was still early. There was a little bit of light coming through the curtains, but nowhere near enough to make her consider waking up properly.

“Hey sleepy head,” Josh whispered and lightly kissed her neck.
“It’s early,” Hannah mumbled.
“I know, the sun is only just starting to rise,” Josh replied and went back to kissing her neck.
“We’ve got all weekend Josh,” Hannah said sleepily, even if a certain part of her body was fast waking up; she wasn’t surprised that behind her she could feel a certain part of his body was wide awake.

Josh moved from behind her and rolled her onto her back then began kissing her. The kisses were slow and deep, and without even realising it she spread her legs for him, moaning quietly when he moved on top of her and settled between her legs. At the feeling of his cock against her hole, Hannah tilted her hips up slightly, silently informing him she wanted him inside her. Following her lead, Josh pressed inside and when she was filled to the hilt he stilled and smiled down at her.

“I love you,” Hannah whispered.
“I love you,” Josh replied. Continue reading

Making love by candlelight… or not

I’ve shared some excerpts from the story of Mason and Savannah, but until now candlelight-candles-date-3219-825x550haven’t shared anything about the other two characters in that particular story, Chelsea and Max.

Chelsea and Max have been married for three years and have a six week-old daughter, Seraphina.  After returning from her high school reunion Chelsea has plans for Max, plans including candlelight and soft music – and sex for the first time in about ten weeks.  Those plans quickly fall by the wayside…

*

To say it was a relief to finally be able to touch Seraphina, was an understatement. The moment she’d walked into her and Max’s bedroom it felt as if a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. Seraphina was fine, she was fine, nothing dreadful had happened in the short time they were apart. When Jude had told her Sera had had a bottle about 15 minutes before they got home, Chelsea was disappointed as she’d been looking forward to getting home and feeding her, but it seemed she’d have to wait. As it was, she had to fight the urge to wake the little one up so she could give her a top up, or a little cuddle at least!

Chelsea walked downstairs as Max was locking the front door after seeing his mum off. That man… she wasn’t sure she would ever come to terms with just how irresistible he was, or exactly why, out of all the women in the world, he had chosen her.

“Cuppa?” Max asked, but Chelsea shook her head as she approached him.
“There is only one thing I want,” Chelsea told him and he smiled as she snaked her arms around his neck.
“And what would that be, Mrs?”
“You, Mr,” Chelsea replied. “To be more specific I want you, naked, in our bed.”
Max groaned as Chelsea kissed him, making sure she pressed her hips against his. “I think that’s a very good idea.”
“It has been six weeks after all,” Chelsea reminded him, moving her arms from around his neck and stepping back half a step so she could dip her fingers in the waistband of his pants.
“The magical six week mark, huh,” Max teased and Chelsea moved her fingers far enough into his pants that she could brush them against the tip of his cock, which had quickly hardened when she had pressed her hips into his.

Chelsea giggled when she felt her dress suddenly loosening, Max making quick work of the zipper at the back. The dress had cost her more than she’d wanted to spend and it seemed almost illegal to leave it in a pile on the floor, but that was exactly what she did, stepping out of it as she undid Max’s belt. The undoing of his belt was quickly followed by the undoing of his pants and the zipper, resulting in his pants joining her dress on the floor. Continue reading

Something short and sweet (and sexy!) for Sunday

short_and_sweet_1x

With that pesky 3000 word paper out of the way (and submitted with 10 minutes to spare…) I thought it was time to devote a little attention to writing AND to my blog!  I plan to spend a bulk of today writing so decided to do a little reading of one of my WIPs to get into the heads of my characters, so to speak… and it seemed like a pretty good excuse to share a short little tidbit from my story about Hannah and Josh, former lovers reunited after a year apart.

The following scene happens after a run in (via cellphone) between Hannah and her mum, who is furious Hannah has reconnected with Josh; Hannah understands her mum’s anger, but she’s let Josh go once and she refuses to let it happen again.

————————————————–

Dropping the phone beside her on the bed Hannah snuggled up to Josh. Even with the drama going on with her mum, she couldn’t help but smile to herself. It felt so right being curled up against Josh, it felt right to have him in her bed, to have the warmth of his naked body against hers. For what felt like the millionth time since he had arrived, Hannah wished it wasn’t the case and that, rather than feeling right, it would feel wrong to be with him again, but nothing had felt quite as right in a long time.

She didn’t even realise she was kissing his chest until Josh sighed with pleasure and dug his fingers into her lower back and hip region. Encouraged by his reaction, Hannah kissed a path along his chest until she reached a nipple and licking it, she could tell he was fighting back a groan. He lost the fight when she took the nipple between her teeth and very gently tugged on it before moving on to the other nipple which she gave the same treatment as she had the first.

Josh’s fingers were digging deeper into her back and his breathing was faster than it had been moments earlier. Hannah enjoyed making the man lose control and decided it was time to do more of that. Wiggling down a little further in the bed Hannah turned her attention to his belly, kissing it and swirling her tongue around his belly button, playfully digging her teeth into his flesh, making him groan louder with each kiss, lick and nibble.

By the time she ran her fingers down the length of his cock he was predictably hard and when she took him in her hand he began to tremble. Hannah wished she had the willpower to tease him for an extended period of time, to get him to the brink and make him beg to be put out of his so-called misery, but the feel of his hard cock in her hand caused her to crave the feeling of his cock inside her.

Moving to her hands and knees Hannah straddled him, and with his cock still in her hand, lined him up with her aching hole; both of them groaned loudly as she slid quickly down his length and began moving her hips against him.

Hannah’s movements were slow and deep, she wasn’t so much thrusting her hips back and forth as grinding them in a circular motion, movement minimal but intense. Josh’s hands were on her hips and he was pulling her down against him, aiding with the constant friction on her clit. The head of his cock was rubbing against some little spot deep in the back of her cunt and the stimulation was like nothing she had felt before, overwhelming almost.

Usually she was loud in bed (especially when it came to Josh) but she was so focused on what she was feeling that she was almost silent, as if making noise would somehow disturb the sensation building in her pussy. Josh’s own groans were getting louder and the noises of his pleasure were only enhancing the experience for her; as Hannah began to grind harder she felt as if she was burning up, it started in her toes and spread up her legs, her ass, her belly, her arms, her face… she was on fire and couldn’t stop it.

She was still relatively in control until Josh pulled her down at the hips while tilting his hips upward, hitting deeper inside her and sparking off the orgasm that was steadily brewing inside her; finally she screamed, verbalising the pleasure that had been building. Josh’s hands were tightly grasping her hips and as he started grunting Hannah moved her hips faster and harder, not stopping until the loud, long, strangled groan that announced his orgasm had hit.

Hannah kissed him on the forehead and cheeks then on the tip of his nose and his chin before finally pressing her lips against his as she felt all energy draining from her body. Josh’s arms wrapped tightly around her and when he rolled them so they were both on their sides, she whimpered quietly as aftershocks shot through her body, reminding her of the intensity of the orgasm she had just had.

Olivia & Annalise: Request For Leave

I haven’t published a story on Smashwords in a long time so thought it was about time I got onto it.

This morning I published my latest short story ‘Request For Love’; though it is a standalone at the moment, I am developing ideas to make it a series, much like my Georgia & Zoe one.

I will post a link to the (free!) download on Smashwords, but will also post the story here.

‘Request For Leave’ on Smashwords

Request For Leave

 

Olivia

Flight NZ232 from Wellington has landed at gate 23.

Seconds after the announcement came over the loud speaker Olivia heard her text message tone ring out; she grinned as she took the cellphone from her handbag, knowing full well who the text would be from.

I’m back! How long until we can be naked and I can finally touch you?

The content of the message was as predictable as the identity of the sender had been, and Olivia couldn’t wait to get Annalise home and do just that – though she had doubts they would be able to wait until they had made it that far.

I’m sure we can find a spare toilet cubicle somewhere,’ Olivia sent her reply and could imagine Annalise biting her lip in that sexy way she did as she read the suggestive text message.

Five days they had been apart and while it wasn’t technically a long period of time, for the two of them it felt like a lifetime. In the ten years they had been together they had only spent the occasional night apart, when one or the other was on a business trip, and those nights were few and far between. Olivia had been devastated when her leave request had been denied, but could hardly complain. Her boss had been very accomodating of her monthly request to work away from the office for a few days, so both she and Annalise could fly to Auckland and visit their sperm donor during Annalise’s fertile window.

Don’t even joke about that,’ came Annalise’s swift reply.

Olivia’s heart started racing when the first passengers from flight NZ232 began to come in through gate 23. Her eyes were glued to the arrivals, impatiently awaiting the first glimpse of the curvaceous woman she couldn’t wait to get naked with and welcome home by lapping greedily at her pussy.

Every night while Annalise was away they’d had phone sex, but the orgasms which resulted from those calls were never as satisfying as the ones when the two women were in bed together. Or the

shower. Or the dining room table. Or the car. Anywhere, really.

Tears prickled in Olivia’s eyes when Annalise finally came into her line of sight. The woman looked simply delicious; a black pencil skirt showed off her hips and shapely thighs, while the red wraparound top accentuated the breasts Olivia couldn’t wait to get her hands – or mouth – on.

Rather than being annoyed by the looks Annalise was getting from men in the terminal, Olivia felt proud; that sexy, beautiful, goddess of a woman was all hers. Hers!

Annalise and Olivia ran toward each other, their arms wide open, everyone else in the surrounding terminal fading away by the time they lunged into each other’s arms. Olivia whimpered happily and forgot anyone else existed as she and Annalise finally kissed.

In the short time apart Olivia had forgotten how plump and soft Annalise’s lips were, how it made her tingle when their tongues brushed together, how a surge of want and need spread through her body the moment they touched. The way Annalise moaned softly against her mouth made Olivia’s breath hitch and her clit throb… how on earth was she supposed to wait until they were home to start catching up on lost (naked) time?

“Get me home now,” Annalise ordered, sounding just as frustrated and aroused as Olivia felt.

“Your wish, my command,” Olivia replied, fighting the urge to kiss her wife again, knowing that if she did she wouldn’t be able to control herself.

“I missed you so much,” Annalise told her, squeezing her hand tightly as they quickly walked toward the baggage claim area.

“I missed you more,” Olivia countered and they giggled as they power-walked to get Annalise’s suitcase.

“You mind watching out for my bag while I race to the toilet? Annalise asked, Olivia nodded and winked at her wife.

“Here, take this with you. Open it when you’re in there,” Olivia instructed, handing Annalise a small gift-wrapped box which she eyed curiously before turning and walking in the direction of the bathroom.

Olivia could hardly contain her excitement as she watched Annalise heading toward the bathroom… things were about to get fun!

***

Annalise

It took a lot of restraint but Annalise held off opening the gift from Olivia until she was had finished on the toilet and washed her hands; she tore the wrapping paper off but the plain black box hidden beneath gave nothing away. She took the lid off the box and gasped. Inside was a wearable wireless bullet they had been thinking about buying for a while. The remote wasn’t in the box and Annalise suspected Olivia had it. The accompanying note confirmed her suspicions.

Thought this might make the trip home a little more enjoyable…

Love you xxx

Just the thought of what Olivia could do with that remote made Annalise crave her touch even more. Prior to leaving the hotel that morning she had masturbated to try get the level of sexual frustration she was feeling down to one that she could handle until she got home. Fat lot of good that had done; there was no way she could possibly last until they got home, not when Olivia had the power to tease her without even touching her.

Annalise snuck back into the cubicle and fought hard to stifle a moan as she pressed her naughty little gift into her sopping wet vagina. The bullet wasn’t doing anything yet, but already the walls of her pussy were clenching around it, as if begging it to start vibrating. She didn’t bother putting her panties back on and felt decidedly wicked walking from the bathroom with her lacy black panties in her handbag.

Looking toward the luggage carousel she couldn’t see Olivia anywhere so turned toward the exit and found her wife waiting patiently with her green suitcase… and a devious grin on her face.

As she approached, Annalise suddenly stopped in her tracks when she felt vibrations start inside her pussy. Olivia gave her an innocent look and the vibrations stopped. She resumed walking and the vibrations started again, this time a touch stronger than they had been to start with. The walls of her vagina tightened around the bullet as dull waves of pleasure began to course through her.

“Stop that,” Annalise whispered and shot Olivia a pained look as the vibrations increased again, before stopping altogether.

“Ever so sorry.” Oliva didn’t sound very apologetic!

“Just wait ’til I get you into that car of ours, I will make you pay,” Annalise promised, deciding she could be the one to do a little teasing of her own.

“Oh, babe, did I not tell you? I decided to get a taxi here, you know how I hate the traffic at this time of day, in this part of town,” Olivia said with a straight face.

Annalise glared at her wife, who, it had to be said, looked smug and victorious. Not only would she be unable to tease Olivia, she wouldn’t be able to make the slightest sound of pleasure on the journey home, not without arousing the suspicion of the taxi driver.

“Well played, wife,” Annalise conceded as they stopped at the nearest available taxi.

“You’re welcome,” Olivia said overly-politely, flashing her a sexy smile seconds before saying hello to the taxi driver.

Annalise got in the back of the taxi and wasn’t at all surprised when Olivia got in the front seat; she wouldn’t even be able to make eye contact with Olivia while the sneaky woman was teasing her! The taxi-driver, an older man by the name of Ned, guided the taxi from the carpark and onto the main road, while talking to Olivia about his newest grandaughter. Annalise usually disliked chatty taxi drivers but that day she didn’t mind, perhaps Livvie would forget about teasing her altogether?

No such luck.

The vibrations started out dull – it felt good – but wasn’t enough to require her to bite back any sort of verbal response. Just when she had been lured into a false sense of security, thinking she could easily cope with the stimulation until she got home, the vibration level switched up a couple of notches. It was enough to make her toes curl and alter her breathing slightly, but didn’t put her at risk of making any embarrassing pleasure-filled noises.

It wasn’t so much the case with the next increase in vibration level, causing her breath to hitch and her pussy to tighten around Olivia’s very thoughtful, sexy gift. The intensity of the vibrations made Annalise’s hips start moving; she tried to keep them still, attempted to fight the pleasure welling between her legs, but it was impossible.

The small circles of her hips grew tighter as Annalise became more aroused, the vibrations deep inside her pussy being aided by the mental images developing in her head; images of Olivia’s fingers buried inside her, images of being tied up and at the mercy of Olivia, images of Olivia teasing her with one of their numerous sex toys.

Annalise’s clit was throbbing and she knew the throb wouldn’t stop unless either she or Olivia started rubbing it. When the vibrations intensified again Annalise considered whether or not she could risk touching herself, she had a jacket in her carry-on, perhaps she could put that over her lap and have a sneaky little self-love session.

No. That wasn’t an option. For starters, it wasn’t a self-induced orgasm she so badly needed, it was an Olivia-induced orgasm, and then there was the fact it was impossible for her to be quiet when she came, something that would either result in the taxi driver ringing the cops, or doing something pervy like asking to watch.

Gripping onto the inside door handle Annalise tried to stop responding to the pulsing vibrations, but her thighs were tightening and her pelvis was starting to arch upward. Her breathing was coming shallow and fast, and Annalise knew if it continued too long she would pass out, but it was either breathe like that, or moan like she needed to – and as with masturbating – moaning wasn’t an option.

It wasn’t until Annalise tasted blood in her mouth she realised she had been biting her lip. Correction, not biting; her teeth were clamped down tightly on it, so tightly she’d drawn blood. When she let go of her lip a moan came very close to escaping and Annalise wondered how on earth she was going to survive the rest of the journey.

Pussy juice coated the top of her thighs and Annalise was suddenly very self-conscious about just how aroused she was. What if the taxi driver could smell it? Olivia always commented on the exquisite smell of her wetness, she loved that it turned Olivia on, but the thought of the taxi driver being able to smell it didn’t appeal in the slightest.

Annalise’s breathing sped up again and she was very aware of how tightly her pussy was gripping the bullet. The throb in her clit was becoming uncomfortable and she felt panicked – she knew she was about to cum – more to the point, she knew she wouldn’t be able to do so quietly.

And then the bullet was still. Olivia had timed it perfectly, taking her as close to the peak as she could possibly be without cumming, stopping a split second before her body let go and a mighty orgasm was triggered.

“We will be home soon, baby,” Olivia said innocently from the front seat.

“Glad to hear it,” Annalise replied through gritted teeth.

“I know how badly you want to get home,” Olivia replied soothingly.

“Always nice to get home after a holiday.” Ned added to the conversation.

“It certainly is, Ned!” Olivia agreed and it was only then she turned around and gave Annalise a particularly devillish smile which she returned with a flustered scowl.

When the taxi finally turned onto their street the vibrations started again. She’d always said Olivia could play her like a musical instrument, but Annalise had no idea she had the power to get her so incredibly close to orgasm without even touching her, without even looking at her.

The vibrations were dull and stayed that way, much to Annalise’s relief. When they finally made it home and the driver stopped in the driveway she stepped out of the taxi and turned to look at Olivia, who gave her a smug wink before walking to the back of the car to get the suitcase from the trunk. The vibration level increased as the trunk slammed shut, increasing again when Ned got in the car and began reversing out of the driveway, and again as they walked toward the front door.

While Olivia fumbled with the lock the vibration intensified yet again and by the time she finally opened the door and Annalise stepped inside, she had started moaning.

“You are evil,” Annalise said through repeated moans.

“I wanted you in the mood when we got home, that’s all,” Olivia giggled and pressed Annalise up against the now closed door.

“I was in the mood before I even got on the plane!” Annalise exclaimed, groaning when rather than replying, Olivia began kissing her.

The kiss was full of the overwhelming hunger that had built up over the five days they had been apart. Olivia’s arms snaked around her and she felt her wraparound shirt come loose, seconds later Olivia had it pulled open and was ravenously tugging on Annalise’s nipples through the fine lace of her red bra.

“Oh God,” her moan coincided with Olivia pulling the cup of Annalise’s bra down and taking one of the pointy nipples in her mouth. Olivia suckled hard before switching to the other nipple and all Annalise could do to anchor herself was dig her nails into Olivia’s shoulder, squeezing tightly as Olivia sucked harder.

The sucking sensation encompassing her nipple directly communicated with her clit and as it started throbbing painfully Annalise found herself pushing Olivia down. She needed to feel her wife’s tongue sliding between her swollen labia, she needed to feel the tip of her tongue probing at her hole, the flat of her tongue making long laps up and down her slit, before finally settling on her clit.

Olivia, no longer in teasing mode, it seemed, got to her knees and in one swift movement pulled Annalise’s skirt down, before pulling her down to the ground even as she stepped out of it. Annalise didn’t care they were in the middle of the entry way to their house, that the tiles were hard and cold, that a comfortable king-size bed was up the stairs to their left.

“You have no idea how much I have missed this.” Olivia’s voice shuddered as she moved between Annalise’s legs and settled with her mouth mere millimeters away from her wife’s throbbing, wet pussy.

The vibrations intensified once more and Annalise cried out as she felt her wife’s warm fingers run up and down her slit, crying out even louder when she used those warm fingers to spread her lips apart.

“I love you, Leesy.” As Olivia uttered the words Annalise could feel her warm breath against her pussy, sending shock waves throughout her body, making her groan in a mixture of pleasure and impatience.

“I love you t-” Annalise’s proclamation was cut short by the sensation of the flat of Olivia’s tongue running slowly from her hole to her clit and back again.

Speaking became impossible. While Olivia’s tongue worked her pussy Annalise let out a jumble of constant moans, groans, cries, and gasps of pleasure. It felt divine to have her wife’s tongue on her pussy again, but in amongst all the pleasure Annalise felt a little sad, sad because she knew it was going to be over very, very soon.

Reading Annalise’s body language like the pro that she was, Oliva quickly moved the sole attention of her tongue to Annalise’s clitoris, moving it back and forth varying the pressure but keeping the speed fast and constant.

Annalise’s hand soon found its way to the back of Olivia’s head and she applied a little pressure, creating more friction between tongue and clit. Her hips were bucking against Olivia’s face and the fingers of her spare hand had busied themselves with one of her nipples. Between the tongue-clit friction and the nipple squeezing, Annalise’s orgasm was building at a fast rate and she knew she wouldn’t be able to keep it at bay much longer.

Olivia’s tongue started moving even faster and that final increase of tongue speed was all it took to finally send Annalise spiralling, tumbling over the edge, screaming loud and long as her orgasm slammed into her. Wave after wave, after wave, after wave, it came and didn’t seem to want to peter off. When it finally did Annalise found it hard to focus her eyes on anything, in fact, she found it hard to remember where she was, who she was, what she was doing, what had just happened to her.

Then everything went black.

A few seconds later colour came back into the world, but Annalise felt as if she had been hit by a Mack truck. She did notice, however, the vibration had stopped and her pussy felt rather empty… obviously Olivia had taken the bullet out while she was in her sex coma.

“You killed me,” Annalise whispered hoarsely as Olivia snuggled up to her and very gently kissed her on the neck.

“My pleasure,” Olivia replied, her voice also a whisper.

“Mine actually,” Annalise’s giggle came out more like a croak.

“I love you, you gorgeous, sex-dead woman,” Olivia smiled softly at her and their lips lightly brushed together.

Annalise whimpered against Olivia’s mouth when their tongues touched and she got a taste of herself on Olivia. She had always enjoyed their first kiss after Olivia had gone down on her, she found it incredibly sexy to taste herself… it was such an intimate experience and for whatever reason it made her feel even closer to Livvie.

“I could do this all day,” Annalise remarked, stroking Olivia’s wavy red hair.

“Me too baby, me too,” Olivia said and the two shared another gentle, loving kiss.

“We should get up to bed,” Annalise suggested and Olivia chuckled.

“I think we should, these tiles aren’t the most comfortable snuggling surface in the world,” Olivia sat up and helped Annalise to a sitting position.

“I have wanted to be naked with you since the second the plane took off the other day,” Annalise sighed, happy she would finally be able to do that. “I hated waking up without you next to me,” she added, smiling sadly.

“It was horrible not having a nice warm wifey body to press up against when I woke up in the middle of the night,” Olivia sighed, then shook her head and smiled. “But you’re back now and I am sure tonight I’ll sleep better than I have in a long time.”

The two women held hands as they made their way upstairs and into their bedroom. Annalise sighed with relief when she saw their bed. She was home. Finally. Back where she belonged, with her Olivia.

While Annalise got in the bed Olivia slipped out of her jeans and underwear; the second she joined Annalise in bed the two women moved straight into each other’s arms, sighing in unison as their warm bodies made contact. Everything was right in the world again.

***

Olivia

Olivia smiled happily against Annalise’s shoulder as they held each other. Yes, it had been a relief to finally taste her wife, to finally hear the scream of pleasure she’d missed so much, but it was equally nice – if not nicer – to be lying in bed with her, simply enjoying one another’s presence.

She hadn’t let on to Annalise just how hard it had been to not be with her on the trip to Auckland, and it was so nice to finally have her back.

Everyone they knew was very supportive of them and their decision to try for a baby, but what people didn’t seem to understand was why they put themselves through the monthly drama of having to travel to another city for five days. Why couldn’t they just get a local donor? The question had been asked multiple times, and until they eventually got pregnant, it would continue to be asked.

The reason was simple really. Their extremely good friend – Jeff – lived in Auckland, and while he didn’t want to have any children of his own, he had given them a very heartfelt speech about what it would mean to him to help her and Annalise start a family. They hadn’t really needed to talk it over, both had agreed it felt right to have Jeff as the donor, particularly because he was more than open to the idea of being their donor for consecutive children, something that was especially important to them.

Now that Annalise was back, the impatient wait would begin, the glorious ‘two week wait’ as it was known. Over-analysing potential pregnancy symptoms was something they’d become quickly skilled at and though every cycle they decided they would ‘just relax’ that never happened. From nine days after Annalise had ovulated they would cave into the urge to do a pregnancy test, usually each day. Just in case. The repeated negative tests had started to unsettle both of them and prior to leaving a few days earlier, Annalise had broken down in tears and suggested there was something wrong with her and that was why she wasn’t pregnant yet.

It was such an up and down time, but Olivia knew it would be worth it when they were finally holding their baby in their arms. When. They had been making a conscious effort to say ‘when’ rather than ‘if’, hoping that positive thinking would magically make conception happen.

“What do you think of the name Harper? For a girl?” Annalise asked and Olivia smiled internally, not surprised they’d both been thinking about whether this time would be the lucky time.

“I like it, but I prefer Harlow,” Olivia replied, entwining her fingers with Annalise’s.

“You do realise that because we don’t really like any boys names, we will have a boy.” Annalise rolled her eyes and Olivia giggled.

“Or twin boys,” Olivia couldn’t resist teasing.

“It was so hard to resist buying things when I met up with Carol at the mall and went to the baby store with her,” Annalise spoke of another of their friends in Auckland, who was six weeks off giving birth.

“I bet she has a big belly now,” Olivia commented, and Annalise nodded.

“All I could think of when I looked at her was that one day that will be me,” Annalise admitted.

“I can’t wait until you’re big and fat and pregnant,” Olivia said dreamily. “You are going to look so damn sexy with a big baby bump.”

“Well I’m already looking forward to seeing you with a bump,” Annalise said shyly. They had agreed that because Annalise was two years older than Olivia, she would carry their first baby and Olivia would carry their second.

Annalise cupped Olivia’s face in her hands and smiled adoringly at her. Olivia couldn’t resist kissing the gorgeous woman she was lucky enough to be married to, and felt a little embarrassed when a whimper escaped her lips. There they were, having a deep and meaningful conversation, a discussion about their future, and suddenly all she wanted was to get hot and sweaty with her wife.

“I’ve missed that sound,” Annalise whispered and initiated another kiss, elliciting a second whimper from Olivia.

The whimper turned into a moan when Annalise started rubbing the tip of one of Olivia’s nipples. “I’ve also missed these.” Her finger lost contact with the nipple but was replaced by her tongue, making Olivia moan and shudder as Annalise licked her nipple with a featherlight touch.

Licking soon made way for sucking and as Annalise’s hand began travelling down her body, Olivia instinctively rolled onto her back, spreading her legs, inviting Annalise’s touch. Fingers grazed incredibly lightly over the triangle of hair between Olivia’s legs, and thought it was probably a matter of thirty seconds, it felt like a lifetime before they finally touched her wet flesh.

Olivia felt as if she was being scorched by Annalise’s fingers, in a way that made her want more, need more. Olivia had no control over the moans and groans she was making, but the more Annalise touched her, the louder she became and the more she moved her hips. By the time she finally felt a fingertip at her hole Olivia was writhing around, gasping and moaning, trying to catch her breath.

Ever so slowly Annalise slipped a finger inside Olivia’s wet heat, both women groaning at the welcome intrusion; it felt so good to finally have her wife’s magical fingers inside her. She had all but stopped putting her own fingers inside her on the odd occasion she masturbated, because nothing she did could feel as good as having Annalise’s skilled fingers buried deep inside.

“I missed the way you feel,” Annalise whispered as she shuffled closer and without missing a beat, slipped a second finger inside Olivia.

“I missed-” Olivia groaned, “this as well.”

“Remember that time I had my whole hand inside you?” Annalise’s words had the direct effect of making Olivia’s pussy contract tightly around her fingers.

“Bitch,” Olivia said breathlessly.

“At your service,” Annalise winked, adding a third finger to her pussy at the same time her thumb found Olivia’s swollen clitoris.

Olivia groaned gutturally as Annalise began rubbing her clitoris in a circular motion. The contact was light but sent sparks of arousal throughout her body and Olivia began clawing at the headboard behind her; it was either that or claw the hell out of Annalise’s back.

Annalise pushed her fingers deeper and Olivia made a noise that was part moan, part scream; Annalises’s fingers were now rubbing constantly back and forth over a very sensitive spot deep inside her pussy, and Olivia began panting as she was overwhelmed by the repeated stimulation. She didn’t want it to stop and cried out loudly when Annalise began rubbing harder, knowing exactly where and how to touch to turn Olivia into a wet, swollen mess.

It was a natural response to start moving her hips against Annalise’s hand, the added friction this caused on Olivia’s clit made her toes curl as she fought to keep her orgasm hitting. Not yet, she wasn’t ready.

She didn’t really have any say in that though, and when Annalise began moving her fingers harder and applying more pressure to her clit, Olivia could tell Annalise was ready to feel her fall apart around her fingers.

Olivia was determined to hold her orgasm back, to make the immense pleasure last, but Annalise knew her body too well, and resumed sucking on one of Olivia’s nipples. The combination of Annalise’s firm sucking action, the force of her fingers against that spot, and the pressure she was using on her clit caused Olivia’s orgasm to surge forward.

The pressure built inside her pussy until suddenly, boom! Olivia roared as her orgasm hit, all of her senses going into overdrive as she was overcome by Annalise’s blissful manipulation of her body.

She felt boneless afterward. Her orgasm peaked and waned, and left her lying on her back feeling as if she was a pool of jelly. Even the simplest of body movements, such as wiggling her fingers and toes were impossible, she couldn’t even muster up the strength to look into Annalise’s deep green eyes; it was as if her own eyes were glued shut.

“I love you,” Annalise whispered softly and Olivia smiled in response.

“Love you too,” she mumbled, hating that she was falling asleep so soon after getting Annalise home, but the influx of feel-good hormones triggered by her orgasm had her losing the battle to stay awake.

Olivia was aware of Annalise’s lips brushing against hers, and then of her wife resting her head against her shoulder and melting into her. A mixture of the much-needed orgasm and sleep being seconds away had apparently rendered her mute, so rather than telling Annalise how happy she was to have her home, she instead sighed contentedly and finally gave in to sleep.

Two weeks later

After what had been a hellish day of meetings and presentations, Olivia finally took the time to have a well-deserved and much-needed break. It was already 3.45pm and she had been working non-stop since 8am; she was starving, not to mention exhausted and all she wanted to do was get home and blob out on the couch with Annalise.

She took out her phone and sent a text message to Annalise ‘On my break, will be home around 7, sorry I have been so quiet, it’s been bloody crazy around here today. I miss you, hope your day has been good,’ then began demolishing her late lunch. Whilst eating she mentally altered the plan for when she got home, adding ‘eat a bunch of crappy snack food’ to the list.

Her cellphone message tone rang out and Olivia’s heart began racing when she saw it was from Annalise. The past couple of days she had been cramping a lot and they were waiting for her period to arrive and she knew in all likelihood the text message would include the words ‘stupid period arrived’, or something similar. It would be a huge downer, but at least it meant in a couple of weeks time they would be able to spend a few days together in Auckland, perhaps they’d book in to a fancy hotel and spend the whole time getting pampered.

Well, getting pampered and visiting Jeff – gifting him with a sterile syringe – five days in a row. It was no longer an awkward process, in fact it was a routine they had down to a fine art. She and Annalise would arrive and have a coffee with Jeff, who would then excuse himself and go upstairs, returning soon after with a syringe containing the other half of the make-a-baby equation. He would then go for a walk, leaving the women alone to complete the procedure… in other words leaving them alone so Olivia could inseminate Annalise and make her orgasm.

Before she went home she’d stop and get flowers for Leesy – gerberas, her favourites – it wouldn’t take away from the disappointment of the negative pregnancy test and her period arriving, but it would at least go some way toward making her smile.

Taking a deep breath she tapped on the screen to read the text message.

The next sound Olivia made was an excited screamy-squealy-gaspy sound; the message was actually a picture, and it was the most beautiful picture she’d ever seen.

It was a pregnancy test which, rather than having the usual single line of pink, had two bright, beautiful lines.

Two lines. Pregnant.

Annalise was pregnant! They were pregnant! They were going to be parents!

She immediately dialed Annalise’s number and when she picked up both women were crying and laughing.

“I guess you better go and cancel that leave request!” Annalise sobbed happily.

Rock and a hard place: The problem with adding to our family

About three times a year I get myself into a right state over one particular thing.  Sometimes there is a trigger, sometimes there isn’t; this time there was.

My wife and I started dating when my youngest was around 18 months old, meaning my eldest had just turned five, her kiddos were four and eight.  From the moment I met her I knew we were soulmates, that she would be my forever and we would grow old and senile together.  I believe it more than ever and there is nothing I would change about our life together.

Well.  Maybe one thing.

A baby of our own.  I would give anything to have that little dream come true, but it isn’t going to happen, for various reasons.

And it is so damn hard sometimes.  I feel as if I missed out on experiencing something amazing with her, because we met when we were both done having babies.  For us it isn’t as simple as forgoing contraception and having sex at the right time of the months – we have no sperm – and that is quite the issue when it comes to the conception of a baby!

We aren’t rich – we make ends meet – but we are by no means well-off, which means opting for a sperm donation and IVF are out of the picture.  Private sperm donation would realistically be our only option, but for us it isn’t an option.  Well, not for me.

I have an anxiety disorder.  My wifey being pregnant would cause me enormous amounts of anxiety; everyday I would be waiting for something to go wrong, for a miscarriage, for a stillbirth, for my wife to die for some pregnancy related reason.  Yup, being pregnant was fun for me!  Having gone through the anxiety mentioned above for two of my own pregnancies, I vowed to myself I would never go through that again, hence why I had my tubes tied when I gave birth to my youngest.  It would be bad enough to go through it myself (and the miscarriage part I did, twice), but I don’t think I could handle that happening to my wife, to our family.

Pregnancy isn’t even the worst part for me – the first 12 months are a special type of hell.  You see, my nephew died of SIDS when he was four months old… every single morning of those first 12 months I would race to my children in the morning, to make sure they were still alive.  I had an Angelcare sound and movement monitor and while this provided me a lot of reassurance, it didn’t stop the anxiety.

Going back to why private sperm donation wouldn’t be an option for me. Because I have had my tubes tied and IVF isn’t a possibility, that would mean my wife would be the one getting pregnant.  I would love to see her pregnant – I love the photos I have seen of her pregnant with her kids – she looked damn sexy in fact… but to me, her being pregnant would mean she was pregnant with her baby.  Not ours.

I know it’s a selfish way of thinking, but it’s what my slightly messed-up brain does.  I know technically it would be our baby, because we would be raising it together, we would be the parents…. but when it came down to it, I wouldn’t be able to ignore that the child wasn’t genetically mine.

Damn genetics.

If there was a way for us to have a baby that was genetically mine and hers, I would be more than happy to jump on board.  Actually, if that was a possibility, we would probably have a baby already and maybe have another on the way.

I don’t know if I will ever be able to completely move on from this.  Maybe 99%, but never completely.  It’s so damn tough.  I always wanted to get married and have kids with the love of my life, instead I had children with two men that weren’t it for me, effectively ending that dream of mine.

There is absolutely no way I regret that though.  I cannot (and will not) imagine my life without my precious kiddos, they are the little loves of my life and I know it sound cliché, but along with my wife, they make life worth living.  Besdies, if I didn’t have my babies, I wouldn’t have met my wife, it’s as simple as that.

Sometimes being an adult is so bloody hard, especially when there is no easy answer to a problem!

I feel guilty for even viewing this as a problem – that I would love a baby to grow our family, to add to our four kids we have between us – when a lot of our friends are having trouble conceiving their first.  I feel as if I have no right to complain, no right to feel sad that we won’t have a fifth child, that we won’t be a ‘yours, mine & ours’ type of household.  We are so blessed to have four wonderful, healthy children, that we are both called mum hundreds of times a day.

I’m going to try and find a way to move on from this, to actually appreciate just how lucky we are.  I know it’ll be hard, it will mean rewiring my brain to a certain extant… but I have to get there one day, right?

(and this, dear chums, is why so many of my stories feature pregnant women; I can’t experience it myself so I live vicariously through my characters)

 

Sex and depression: I think I’m abnormal

Depression-FB

I knew I needed to go on anti-depressants about 18 months before I finally took the leap (well, had the breakdown) and went to the doctor (well, was dragged to the doctor) to finally ask for help.  I hate to admit it but one of the reasons I was reluctant to go on anti-depressants was due to fear they would have a bad impact on my libido.  My wife and I have always enjoyed an active sex life and I didn’t want that to disappear; I didn’t want to go from wanting sex numerous times a week to having sex once a month because I felt guilty for not wanting it AT ALL.

As I saw it at the time (and still do now) I was extremely lucky that depression hadn’t been a libido-killer in itself.  A lot of the literature I read explained a common symptom of depression was a lack of libido and potentially complete disinterest in sex.  For me that was never the case, even at my worst I wanted craved sex with my wife – if anything my libido increased – to the point I almost felt obsessed with sex.

I am the sort of writer who needs to be in a sexual state of mind to write about sex and it was a relief that even if I couldn’t be bothered having a shower, getting dressed, going out into public, I still wanted to write, and I still wanted to have sex.

At that initial appointment when I was put on Fluoxetine, the doctor warned me about a decreased or non-existant libido – and I worried about that – more than worried actually, to the point I considered not starting the medication.  I felt that without my libido, without that familiar part of my being I would become more of a shell.  I might have been depressed, I might have been moody, I might have wondered a few (million) times why anyone would want me… but I was still horny old Bree, I was still spending hours a week writing erotica.  It was really the only part of me that I felt wasn’t broken, as if it was the tiny little thread of sanity that was holding me together.

Imagining life without my libido, without my passion for writing erotica… it was beyond terrifying.  Then I put myself in my wife’s shoes and realised not going on anti-depressants because I wanted to retain my libido – while losing everything else – was plain old selfish, stupid, and just didn’t make sense.

Surprisingly, my fear about losing my libido never had anything to do with worrying that if I didn’t want sex, my wife would leave me.  This, from a woman who, not so long ago, used sex as a way to keep a relationship together.  I knew that if I never wanted sex again my wife would still be right by my side, being the utterly amazing woman she always is… I suppose that was the one positive out of that dark time in my life.  I realised I was indeed truly loved.  Sure, most of the time I had no idea why she would want to love me, but knowing I was loved really was a bright spot for me.

I went on my meds.

I waited for my libido to disappear.  It didn’t.  If anything it increased.

And the stupid thing about this?  I felt like there was something wrong with me.  Yeap.  Most people feel something is wrong if their libido wanes, but I wondered if something was wrong with me because it increased so much.  My wife, as usual, told me I was being silly and I was perfectly normal, but it took me a long time to believe her.

depression-quotes-tumblr-2064444

Around four months ago my meds were upped and again I went through the ‘am I going to lose my libido’ panic, to the point that – yet again – I wondered if perhaps I shouldn’t start the increased dosage and stick to what was[n’t really] working.  My wife pretty much told me to get over myself (it was what I needed her to do, and I know it wasn’t coming from a negative place) and that if my libido did go wonky, we would deal with it.

The increase doesn’t seem to have effected my libido and I have finally accepted that I am one of the exceptions to the depression=low libido rule.

I have thought about it a lot however, and came to realise that for me, sex is part of how I cope with depression.  Some people use exercise as an anti-depressant, I use sexercise.  On a deeper level, I think it is my wife that is my anti-depressant.  Throughout this particular depression journey the one thing I have wanted needed is to be close to my wife.  I might push other people away and go even further into my introvert shell, but when it comes to my wife I need her right by my side as much as possible.  Just being in her presence has a calming effect on me.

With all this thinking about it, I realise that intimacy with my wifey is like a booster shot of sorts… we have sex and I instantly feel better on an emotional and mental level.  I suppose it’s because of the feel-good hormones released when orgasm occurs; I love being flooded with the post-orgasm sensations, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually… that feeling of bliss and awe and… well, you know what I mean.

Sometimes my wife knows when I need an orgasm, before I even do.  I get into what we refer to as the ‘spiral of doom’, my mood plummets at an astonishing rate and nothing gets through to me.  Except those feel-good post-orgasm hormones.  Usually I go and hide in bed, my wife quickly joins me and before long I am deep in the throes – after I orgasm I am like a new person – and this is why my wifey refers to it as ‘resetting my brain’.   This is a treatment method I’m yet to discuss with my psychologist.

Because there is the potential for so many black clouds in my emotional and mental landscape, I have finally stopped wondering why I can still enjoy sex, and am instead embracing it.

Even if it does exhaust my poor wife.

————————————————————————————

I am really curious to find out whether or not I am some sort of exception, so if you have experienced depression at any stage I would love if you could answer my poll, you can do an answer for non-medicated and medicated depression.

this has become a bit of a mantra for me... my wife makes me say it out loud when I'm in the depths of depression... slowly I am starting to believe it

this has become a bit of a mantra for me… my wife makes me say it out loud when I’m in the depths of depression… slowly I am starting to believe it